The Message
by oysteinsevag
Summary: Beckett's feelings during and post-countdown. Will follow the show, but will focus on what happnes to Beckett when Castle is not around.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello All, **

**This is my first attempt at a FanFic, I have read numerous over the past several weeks and I decided to write this up because my mind has been reevaluating everything that happened in Countdown. It takes place immediately after Beckett is rescued in the time between when she wakes and when Castle wakes. **

**I hope you like it, and I may expand on it if pressed. **

**~R**

She awoke to the sound of metal being beaten. She could feel the vibrations in the walls, in the floor and it shook her back into consciousness. She was cold, bitterly cold, the type of cold that seeps into your bones and beyond. So cold it was as if her heart was made of ice, every breath was filled with the pain of a thousand needles exploding in her chest. As she slowly fought her way back from the dark abyss of the past several hours she tried to open her eyes. It was a struggle; all of the muscles in her face contorted into a grotesque mélange of pain and determination. Despite the layer of frost on her cheeks and the ice crystals gluing her eyelashes together she managed to open one eye. With it she saw only darkness; while she felt that her eye was open she could not confirm that by sight alone.

The noises at the far end of the black void continued, the banging that had shook her awake was finished and she began to hear a grinding. Slowly light filled the room, illuminating her surroundings as it filtered through the icy haze of the storage container. She struggled to open her other eyes as she saw shadows moving through the mist. She wanted to be more alert, but strength eluded her. The cold that was so deep in her chest had become too entrenched and settled in every cell of her body, she was rigid and could not move if she had wanted to. The noise of the metal was so loud and overbearing it took longer to distinguish the voices that accompanied the banging. As the door to the container opened further she heard the most reassuring word in the world.

"Yo." It was Esposito, he had found them. As the door opened fully she could see his silhouette break through the light and cast shadows on the floor of the container. "They are here, get the medics!"

Beckett watched trapped in limbs that would not move as Esposito came up to her and extricated her from Castles protective embrace. She felt herself being lifted up and watched as Ryan tried to do the same for Castle. Esposito quickly had her moved out of the storage container and handed her off to the waiting medic who settled her on a stretcher and wheeled her over to an ambulance. She observed from afar while Esposito and Ryan supported all of Castle's weight as they dragged him out of the container onto the other waiting stretcher.

"Kate, can you hear me? Kate, blink your eyes if you can hear me." She heard the voice and recognized it. For the first time she looked up and saw that her medic was none other than Josh, the man who only hours ago she last saw getting into a cab bound for JFK. Surprise registered in her eyes, and she blinked several times out of sheer astonishment. "I am going to give you a bag of warmed fluids; this will help you get moving faster." He said as he prepared to stick the deep blue vein in the crook of her elbow.

As she took in the motion around her she noticed other medics covering her legs, torso and shoulders with foil and wool blankets to help get her warmed up. She looked across the warehouse yard to see Castle still unconscious, receiving similar treatment. Foil sheets and blankets were being piled on him as the medics next to his stretcher took his vital signs. Beckett returned her attention to the doctor in front of her. She did not feel the needle enter the vein in her arm, but she felt the warmth of the liquid immediately. Slowly it snaked through the veins in her arm, as it moved up her arm and into her chest she felt a shock as the warmth reacted with her own cold blood as the liquid moved its way through each vessel and artery of her frozen body.

After he had finished attending to her IV, Josh took her arm and placed it under the blankets never releasing her hand, slowly she felt the heat radiating from his palms softening her fingers. Beckett's eyes were elsewhere focused on the stretcher sitting in the bay of the ambulance opposite hers. She watched as Castle was poked, prodded and fitted with an IV of his own. Her consciousness so engrossed in watching how he was being cared for that she did not notice as Esposito and Ryan approached the open ambulance doors. Her mind was fixed on what was said before she had slipped into that dream world of the container. As she watched Castle she could only think of the words that had slipped out of her before she succumbed to the cold. Beckett remembered saying what had been on her mind for months, ever since he had left last May to depart her world. Looking over at Castle still unconscious on the stretcher she wondered if it was a dream. Did she really confess what she truly felt?

Beckett was shaken from her trance by Josh when he leaned in to kiss her on the forehead. She looked up into his eyes and saw the love he felt for her. She also saw fear flash across face, the lines that his career in medicine had etched into his forehead were creased and his lips were stretched thin and sharper than she had ever seen them.

"Kate, are you okay?" She heard as Ryan, her colleague, her partner, and her friend spoke from outside the ambulance. For the first time hearing his voice, and the notes of panic as he said her name, she became immediately alert.

Speaking for the first time she said "I am cold, but I am warming up." Shivering she adjusted her position on the stretcher as she sat up to face Esposito and Ryan. A million questions flooded her mind at once, but she was only able to ask one at a time. "What time is it?"

"About 1:00 AM. My guess is you & Castle have been trapped in that thing for several hours." Esposito replied.

"The bomb, where is the bomb? What happened to the white truck?" Beckett asked as she moved to push her legs off the edge of the stretcher.

"Hold on. You're not quite ready to get out of here yet." Josh said as he held her hand tightly as she motioned to stand. "You cannot go anywhere till you get these fluids in you."

"We did not find a white truck, and the bomb is missing. Do you remember anything? Anything at all that could help us find it?" Ryan asked as he looked over his shoulder to confirm there was no white van in the warehouse. As he said this Beckett stopped trying to get up and just sat erect on the stretcher thinking back to the seconds before she was trapped in the freezer.

"All I remember was the clock, it had started and it looked like time was running out, by my count we only have 13-14 hours before detonation. Then there was gunfire and Castle and I made a dash into the storage container for cover. By the time we had gone in and shut the door, and realized there was no way out the lock was clicked into place, and we were trapped."

"Okay, you said something about a van, do you remember the plates?" Esposito asked.

"No, all I remember was that it was a NYC plate and it was an American model cargo van." Beckett exhaled the last words in frustration. Had she been more focused on the van instead of what it contained they might now be able to run it down. Instead they had nothing; a white van in New York was as common as a yellow cab or Lincoln town car. They littered the streets and finding this one would be an impossible task given the time constraints they were now facing. As she lifted her hands out from under the blanket to brush the hair that had fallen across her face, she looked in desperation at her friends. "Maybe Castle remembers something, is he awake yet?"

"No, he was still out when we got him out of the container." Ryan replied.

"I am going to go check on him; I'll be right back babe." Josh said as he kissed her forehead before he exited the ambulance, Beckett heard Montgomery call Ryan and Esposito. She did not know that he had shown up, but just hearing his voice reassured her. Ryan and Esposito turned away to run over to the Captain who was standing in front of his squad car with Agent Fallon. Beckett watched as they shared information. Feeling her pocket vibrate she slowly swung her legs to the end of the stretcher so they were hanging outside and give her the freedom to reach around to grab her phone from her back pocket.

Turning it over she noted that she had 25 missed text messages, seven voicemails, and 10 missed calls. Knowing that at least half of them had to be from the guys, she anxiously scrolled through them all. She found the messages Josh had sent saying he wanted to give them a chance and that he was returning to the city. As she continued scrolling she saw messages from Alexis, at first they were curious.

_Detective Beckett, Gram & I just got back to the city, tried calling Dad, he did not pick up is he with you?-Alexis_

She had several messages along this line, questioning about her dad, as she continued to scroll down the messages began to be a little more insistent.

_Detective Beckett, If you get this can you please call us, we are worried. Gram & I have not heard from Dad and he is not at the apartment. His phone is off. -Alexis_

The last message from Alexis was what worried her most.

_Kate, my Dad still has not called back, did something happen to him? Where are you? Do you know where he is? What's going on? -Alexis_

From there Beckett scanned through the rest of her messages several were from Esposito and Ryan asking the same questions Alexis had, wondering where she was, where Castle was, why they could not reach either of them. After sorting through her text messages she lifted her phone up to her ear to listen to her voicemails. She had one each from Esposito, Ryan, Josh & Captain Montgomery. Three were from Alexis.

As she listened to the teen's hurried message filled with anxiety, then anger, then fear, Kate broke. For the first time in this whole ordeal she felt the weight of what happened in the storage container hit her. While she was worried about her life and saying the things she needed to say about how she felt, she forgot that Castle was responsible for a life of his own and that he could not and SHOULD not be there for her in the life and death moments. While she knew that he was a constant in her life, a man she could rely on completely, someone she loved as a friend and partner, perhaps even more, she recognized that she could never ask him again to take the risk to stand next to her. After hearing the catch in Alexis' throat, the worry in her voice, the clipped and hurried pace at which she spoke she knew that she had to be responsible. She had to step away from him, he had said he would always be there for her, but now Beckett recognized a greater responsibility. Looking across the lot to see Castle being attended to by Josh, she saw that he still was not moving, that he was still unconscious and realized they had no future as long as standing by her side put him in harm's way.

At that moment fate itself intervened, the next message played, and she heard Josh's voice. Saying everything she had wanted to hear not 12 hours earlier. It was at that moment that she saw her opportunity; she saw the possibility for a life filled with love and a chance to give someone a gift that she herself never received. Kate knew the moment she heard Alexis's voice that she would return to Josh, because she loved Castle. She could never risk Alexis losing her father, the teen had already lost her mother to flights of fancy, for the girl to lose her father would be devastating and as hard and heartbreaking as when Kate lost her own mother to violence and her father to liquor.

Looking across the lot to Castle's ambulance she saw Josh turn and look over at her, checking to see that she was still seated in the back of the ambulance. She returned his gaze, pointed to the phone next to her ear and smiled. As he saw her smile, he stepped out of Castle's ambulance and walked over to her own. When he arrived Beckett did the only thing she could think of to do, she reached out and hugged him and said "Thank you for coming back. You saved us, and you saved me from myself."

"Of course I came back; I felt wrong leaving with an argument between us. I will be here for you, as long as you want me to be." Josh replied.

As Kate heard those words, heard the confirmation that he would be around for as long as she wanted, she knew that she would stay with Josh as long as he would have her. That she would put aside what she felt, and what could be for the chance that was in front of her and the possibilities that it held for her own happiness and the happiness of the one person she knew she had to protect.

**If you like it please be sure to let me know. I don't know how good it is, just something I felt compelled to write. **

**I will say that I don't own any of the characters; I am just borrowing them to tell something I wanted to see that I think needs to be told. **


	2. Chapter 2

**_Okay, so I found some inspiration and have decided to continue forward. I think the show gives us a lot about what is going on with Castle, this story is going to parallel the show but instead explore the feelings, choices and motivations of Beckett. So, right of the top, you should know that it will follow the cannon of the show, at least till the Finale. Anyway, since that has been said, here is the next chapter. _**

Looking out the window she could just see the sun peeking through the buildings of lower Manhattan. Kate now stood looking out of her kitchen window observing the city wake as it did every morning; the corner shop owner spraying down the sidewalk, the baker opened his doors to the waiting wall-street crowd, busses stopped on the corner letting people on and off. It was a normal day to the rest of the world, but she knew different. Somewhere out there driving on the streets around town was the event destined to destroy all of these people. She felt powerless, while she knew that in a moment she would put her coffee down, exit her apartment, make her way to the precinct and begin piecing together the clues she possessed, it was unlikely they would find the bomb in time. Kate felt powerless for other reasons, while the bomb was her main concern, she was also thinking about what happened not three hours earlier.

After Castle had regained consciousness, and they had been reinstated by Fallon, she allowed Josh to escort her home. Once back at her apartment she crashed for an hour, content in the knowledge that Castle had returned to Alexis, he was safe, he was alive. When her alarm went off, Josh was lying with her, and she felt enveloped in the heat of his body. She was no longer freezing, but she was tired, looking the clock she realized she had only slept for an hour. Turning over in Josh's arms, she realized she could have stayed in his embrace for the rest of the day. But, she knew that it was her responsibility to leave, to get up and face the day.

Kate knew the minute she left the comfort of the bed that the cold of the freezer had not left. This thought made her think of the words she said in her last moments of consciousness when her walls were down. She thought back to the choices she made over the past several hours and how different the atmosphere would be at the precinct when she walked in later. Kate hoped that Castle would not show up this morning. She chose Josh, the last time she had picked another man over him, he ran away to the Hamptons with his ex-wife. Kate hoped this choice would send him away again, away with his family where he was safe and could be the father and son that was needed, not the partner she wanted.

For the first time in a year, she made coffee before she dressed for the day. The warmth and energy would give her the strength she needed. Drinking slowly, savoring these final moments alone looking out at her world, she realized that the only thing she had to do today was find this bomb. Kate felt the weight of the responsibility pressing down on her; she knew she had been foolish not to get the plates yesterday. If she had only done that little thing, they would have answers now. Finding the bomb, was the only way she could protect the people she loved, it was the only way she would survive without feeling she was responsible for destroying the city and people she loved.

A honking cab down below broke her from her trance. Kate put her mug in the sink, put on her coat, badge, picked up her keys, and left the apartment silently.

* * *

><p>It took twenty minutes for her to make her way to the 12th. This morning she did not drive, Ryan had taken her car back to the station last night when Josh said he would see she got home safely. Kate was happy she had let him take her home; this morning walking the streets of the city was a reminder of she was fighting for. Too often she was behind the wheel of her squad car, insulated from the noise, the smells, the buildings, the streets, and the life of the city. As she entered the subway and swiped her metro card, she looked at the commuters going about their lives rushing around the station to catch trains and was filled with sadness. She thought about what she knew that they did not, she wanted to tell them to run, to go home to their families, to spend the last hours of this day with the people they loved. Kate kept silent; as she waited for the train on the platform she heard a violin. The sound of the strings echoing through the tunnels brought tears to her eyes; the melody was filled with pain and heartbreak. Just as she was about to give herself over to the emotion of the piece the train arrived and drowned out the sound of the instrument.<p>

* * *

><p>Walking into the 12th was like walking into a beehive. There was activity everywhere. She felt like she was moving in slow motion, she eventually made her way to her desk and began typing up a report of what happened last night. Looking to her left she saw Agent Fallon and his team setup in the conference room, across the bullpen Esposito and Ryan were busy making calls and checking leads. She was lost, she knew she had to get everything written down before she could begin sorting out her thoughts and figure out what steps to take next but concentration eluded her.<p>

After typing the same thought three times in a row she gave up, walked over to her white board taking in all of the new information they had in the hopes that she would be able to connect something. This would be the moment Castle would break through with one of his crazy theories and give her the spark she was looking for. As someone passed behind her Kate turned around expecting him to be there standing, but he was not. Frustrated she returned to her desk to finish her report. She had just finished putting her thoughts in order when a shadow passed by her desk, and the writer sat down in his chair handing a cup of coffee as he did.

"Figured you could use the caffeine, and the warmth." He said with a pained smile.

"Thank you." Beckett replied with a sad smile. In that moment she gathered all of her courage to look up at him, prepared to address what was said last night. As she met his gaze her courage faltered. Kate had been prepared to tell him that he should go home, return to his family, be the man they needed him to be, but the pain evident in is posture, in his face, in his eyes stopped her from saying anything. She let him proceed, and kept her words to herself. Clearly he had something to say and as his friend she had to give him the time to say it.

"Are you okay?" She asked and in doing so, Beckett knew that she gave him permission to remain. She heard the sadness in his voice, and recognized the emotion behind his words. Sitting across from him looking into his eyes, she saw someone who felt as much and cared as much as she did. Immediately she let go, and gave herself over to his presence as her partner, and as he spoke, she realized that he would not leave no matter what could come between them.

**_Okay, another several thousand words complete. I hope you like it, if you feel inclined drop me a review, I am less sure about this chapter, so I would like some constructive criticism if you are up for it. _**

**_Also, I don't own any of these, I just write what I feel and what I would think if I were in in KB's shoes. _**

**_~R_**


	3. Chapter 3

**I was not sure about this chapter; the structure is bugging me. So let me know what you think.**

* * *

><p><em>16 seconds<em>

"I'm Sorry" Agent Fallon replied over the phone. The line went dead.

_15 seconds_

"Castle," the only thing she could think to say in this moment.

_14 seconds_

He took her hand, and gripping it firmly looked into her eyes.

She was afraid of what was to come.

_13 seconds_

She was sorry, for the life he was leaving.

_12 seconds_

She was sad that he was next to her instead of with his family.

_10 seconds_

She regretted the things she never got the opportunity to say.

_9 seconds_

She saw the confirmation of the same in his eyes.

_8 seconds_

She realized in that second that she loved him

_7 seconds_

She realized she would never get to tell him.

_6 seconds_

She saw that he loved her.

_5 seconds_

She was content because he was with her, at the end.

_4 seconds_

She grasped his hand at the response to the question in his eyes.

_3 seconds_

She turned to meet her fate. He reached for the wires.

_2 seconds_

She held her last breath.

_1 second_

He took the risk and pulled them all.

_0 seconds._

She breathed again.

* * *

><p>Turning to look at the bomb, she saw that it was disarmed. Immediately relief, joy, shock, and a million other emotions washed over her, flooding her senses.<p>

"Ohh, Castle." Kate turned and reached for him. Pulling him into a tight hug, confirming he was alive. "Ohh."

He started giggling. Overcome with jubilation at their good fortune. All she could do was stand by shocked, staring at the bomb.

"Yes" he said, rejoicing because he knew how lucky they had been. Turning around she saw him dancing in the street he was so filled with adrenaline. She smiled at him, at his playfulness, at his courage, at his success. Looking at him smiling, she knew she was alive because of him.

She laughed, let herself go, and enjoyed the moment.


	4. Chapter 4

**Because the last chapter was so short I thought I would upload this as well. **

Night descended on the city, the hum of activity that was present in the morning increased exponentially when the stars came out. Darkness was non-existent in Manhattan, the city that never slept glowed; lit up by a golden haze as the streetlights reflected off the yellow cabs, and the florescent lights of the business signs added dots of color to the landscape. Sitting on her stairs, curled in a blanket Kate saw the golden glow filtering through her windows illuminating her apartment.

It was approaching midnight, and despite the fact that she had been up for close to 40 hours she could not sleep. The adrenaline of the past 10 hours was still coursing through her body. She had every reason to feel so alert, in one day she had faced death, survived, and protected the millions of people who were right outside her door. She felt alive, she felt powerful, and she felt strong. But, she knew her success was not what was keeping her awake.

The day was on repeat in her mind, all forty hours of it. She was thinking about what happened in the freezer, what happened when she was rescued, what happened when she went to the precinct, what happened when she found the bomb, what happened when she celebrated with the guys, what Castle had told her before he walked out. Everything. Each scene was playing before her eyes in rapid motion, every emotion that she felt she re-lived as she sat completely motionless on the stairs. She tried to make sense of it all, tried to put the pieces of her day in order, sort out what she was feeling now.

Gazing out the windows in front of her, she saw the lights gleaming, reflecting against the buildings as if in motion; suddenly she was swept up in memory. Looking out she saw his face, a streetlamp below became the twinkle in his eyes. She saw his playful smile, the way he tilted his head just so before he spoke. She remembered her curiosity, her excitement, and her energy. Looking up she saw him in front of her, healthy, alive, and happy. Kate had felt like he was staring into her, cerulean orbs breaking down the barriers she had carefully constructed. She was unadorned in front of him, waiting on bated breath to hear what he proposed, knowing she would agree no matter what was asked. And suddenly a flash of darkness crossed the azure sea.

Castle stopped, what he said had not mattered so much as how he acted. As he stepped back she saw his face change, heard the words echoing through the bullpen. The change in him confused and scared her, he was retreating. After everything he was walking away, he was leaving. She remembered feeling the movement behind her. But her mind had not been focused on it. It was not until Josh pulled her into an embrace that she realized what had changed. Despite the comfort of his embrace, she was more concerned with Castle. Watching him as he walked to the elevator she was overcome. Kate felt so much in that moment and reliving it now only brought back those emotions. She was sad that he walked out, confused that he did not speak up, angry that he left her standing there on bated breath, happy to have Josh to lean on, worried that Castle was never coming back.

It was the last thought scared her the most. After today, she knew that she could not go on without him in her life. She needed him, needed his presence, needed his humor, his constancy, his unwavering confidence, his faith in her. Kate knew that without him standing beside her today she would have died. He was the sole reason she was alive at this moment, and she would forever be grateful.

It hurt, knowing that she would always need him by her side. She wanted to be able to survive without him. Thinking back to this morning and her plan at the beginning of the day she was faced with the reality that if she had told him to go away, she would not be alive now. Kate started the day wanting him as far away as possible and ended wanting him beside her. He was her partner, and through it all she trusted him above all other people she knew. She would give her life to save his, as she knew he would do the same for her. Kate was afraid of tomorrow of the possibility that she would never see him sit in his chair again. As she looked out to the street below, she hoped the dawn would never come.

* * *

><p>"What are you thinking about?" Josh's voice woke her from the trance she was in. He had come down the stairs to sit behind her. She could feel the heat radiating from his body. Kate leaned back reassured as she laid her head on his firm chest. He felt solid, real, tangible. Josh was here beside her, asking about what she was feeling. He was being present just when she needed him to be.<p>

"Everything, anything, where do we go from here?" She replied, still lost in thoughts of Castle and the events of the day.

"Is this about us?" There was no worry in his voice, his question was merely curious. She could tell from his tone that he knew the day had been hard. In spite of it all she had not been thinking about him. She knew that he had returned, but the fact that they were an "us" was not something she took the time to think about. Kate was happy he had returned, happy he had cancelled his trip. She was happy to have him sitting behind her, letting her lean on him. But, their relationship was the farthest thing from her mind, and from his tone, she could tell he knew that. The question of them would probably be a discussion for another day.

"No. This is about today. Castle saved my life today." Kate replied, with exhaustion and sadness in her voice.

"You should thank him." Josh said sincerely. He had always done that, he asked questions without guise and answered with honesty.

"I don't think I will get the chance, when he left he was different. It's like he was walking out of the station for good." She said looking out the window, her vision blurring as she rubbed her eyes. The day was catching up with her.

"Does that bother you? You once told me he was a shadow always present, even when you did not want him around. And that he was a constant annoyance, getting in the way and driving you crazy with his writing." He said with humor in his voice.

"Yes, but he is also my partner. He is part of my team, as necessary as Ryan or Esposito. Without him today would have been a very different day. I need him to do what I do. He is annoying, and overbearing, and everything else, but he makes the days lighter. He brings energy and ideas that I don't have." Kate knew that praising Castle was probably not what Josh wanted to hear, but she needed to say it aloud. To acknowledge to someone that he was necessary in her life. As she said this she turned around to face him, looking him in the eyes as she finished. "He helps me be a better cop."

"Then tell him that."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"If he goes, I need to let him. He has a family; he should be there for them, not out risking life and limb as an unofficial cop. "

"I am glad he did today. He saved your life." Josh was looking at her intensely. She heard the sincerity in his voice. Kate knew in that moment, that Josh supported her as much as Castle. She saw that her presence was important to him.

"Mmm. He did, and for that I am extremely grateful. But, he has a daughter. I cannot ask him to put his life on the line for my team, and risk leaving her alone."

"Lots of people have kids; they risk their lives every day. I have been all over the world, people live, people die, and it is what it is. Some are lucky, some are not. In the end the only thing that matters is that we spend the time with the people who give us the greatest happiness and support. The ones that make our lives better by having them in it. I could not do my job without my team, just as you could not do yours. You need to let him know how important he is to your team, and let him make the choice for himself."

Kate was surprised by his comment. It was thoughtful and insightful, exactly what she needed to hear at that moment. If she had been told yesterday that she would be sitting here, on the stairs of her apartment looking at him as he spoke those words about another man, she would have laughed. Yet, here he was telling her that she needed to recognize that life was too short to waste tiptoeing around matters of life and death. It was in that moment she realized why he came back. All day she had been wondering why he chose not to go to Haiti, but as he said those words she understood. Josh came back because he was on her team. She made his life better, and at that moment she realized that he had made her life a little better as well.

Turning back around she faced the window, looking out she replied "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For putting things in perspective."

"Do you feel better now?" He asked as started rising on the steps behind her.

"I do."

"Then as your doctor, I think it's time for you to go back to bed." As he said this he took her hands and pulled her up off the steps.

"I think I will, suddenly I am very tired." She let him lead her back to up the stairs to the bedroom.

"Carrying the weight of the world will do that."

"I am glad you came back. I am glad you decided to give us a chance." Kate crawled into bed, pulling him beside her.

"So am I." She felt his arms wrap around her, surrounding her in his protective embrace. She might not know exactly what she was going to do, she did not know anymore if this was what she wanted. But, as she drifted off, she was happy she had someone beside her in the darkness, willing to listen.

**I know towards the end I took some license with the story. But I thought this could be a realistic depiction of what happened following the episode. Let me know what you think of the latest addition. **

**Anyway, that's it for now. I am on spring break this week so expect frequent updates to the story. I might even have something more tomorrow. **

**~R**


	5. Chapter 5

**Wow, the reviews have been amazing. I am so happy that so many of you are connecting to and enjoying this story. The highest compliments came from those of you who said, that I made you like Josh; that is HUGE. I wanted him to be a character that made sense for Beckett, but the fact that you now like him based on the little scene in the last chapter is AMAZING. That being said this is not a Kate/Josh story, this is a KATE story and will focus on her, what she thinks, feels and says. Yes, he will pop up again, but so will a host of other characters. **

**I was really unsure about the last two chapters; I felt they changed the tone too much. As I write this I also know that I am going to stray a bit in this chapter, all I ask is that you stay with me. I plan to get through the rest of the season, but I think the emotions and concerns brought up with the last chapter need to be addressed before we resume with the storyline of the show. **

It was around 6 am and instead of sleeping like a normal person Kate was on her way downtown. She had been woken up an hour earlier when Josh's phone went off calling him to surgery. Over the years her conditioning as a detective had made her instantly alert to a ringing phone. If she was disturbed at any time during the night, she would not be able to get back to sleep till the next evening. This morning she might have been able to if Josh had not stayed. He moved around the room with the same grace and tranquility as a Clydesdale, and she could not have slept through the ruckus he was making. Instead of wallowing in her apartment, she decided today was a good day for a run. It was cold outside for March, but Kate always hated running inside, she needed the fresh air to help clear her mind and wake her body up. Following Josh out of the building she turned and made her way to Hudson River Park, so she could listen to the water while she ran.

The past week had been a challenging one. Immediately after the terror threat Captain Montgomery forced her and her team to take two days. Despite her reservations, she realized she needed that time just to catch up on the sleep her body needed. When she returned to work she found her desk was covered by a mountain of paperwork. Kate had always hated paperwork, she preferred to be chasing down leads, talking to witness and interrogating suspects. Until she finished she knew she would not be assigned another case. Montgomery had Department of Homeland Security waiting for her reports and statements; they did not like to be kept waiting. As a result, Kate, Ryan and Esposito were all on desk duty till it was complete. She was hoping today would be the day everything was finally signed and handed over. The past three days she had been going a bit stir crazy being trapped in the precinct. In the past Castle would stop at least once during the day to check in, so far he had not done that. Normally his visits would break up her day, provide a distraction that would serve to put her a little off task but also give her the energy to continue working.

As her thoughts once again turned to Castle she noticed that she had picked up her pace. Heading towards Battery Park, she tried to refocus and slow down to a level that would not leave her exhausted when she got to the end of the island. Breathing deeply, the wind in her face, Kate was happy she was out and taking this time alone. Recently, between the late hours she was keeping, the horrible Manhattan winter and the days she devoted to visiting Lockwood in prison she has not had any time to maintain her exercise regime.

Even though it was cold it was this morning, Kate knew that the run would give her the rush of energy needed to push her through the rest of the day. Today was going to be a hard day, this much she already knew. Ever since the Alhabi murders Castle had been avoiding the 12th, he needed to come in to sign a couple of documents. Montgomery called him earlier in the week, and only yesterday both Ryan and Esposito had called him to come in. So far he had not responded. She knew that this morning she would have to call him again, or go over to his apartment to get him. Kate was worried that the reason he had not come in was because he did not want to see or hear from her, that she understood. Thinking back on her choice following their rescue from the freezer she could not blame him for the distance. This was what she had wanted, and as much as it pained her she respected and understood why he had not returned. However, what upset her more was the fact that he had not responded to Ryan and Esposito. That was unacceptable. They were friends, Castle should have at least responded to their inquiries. Any problems they were having did not need to impact his relationship with the guys.

Kate hoped she would be able to reach him. After her conversations with Josh over the past week, she was more certain than ever that Castle was part of the family of the 12th. She needed him to be working beside her, giving her ideas, sharing his insights. At the same time she recognized that he might not be willing to come back and work with her, and over the past few days she had been mentally preparing herself for that possibility. Just because she wanted him back around the precinct, she knew that if he elected not to return she needed to say goodbye and continue with her work as she did before he started following her around three years ago.

Finally, arriving at Battery Park, Kate walked over to one of the benches that looked out on Ellis Island. She knew that soon she would have to turn around, run home and get ready for another tedious day in front of the computer. As horrible as it was, she almost hoped for a murder, something, anything to get her focused on something other than what happened last week. Feeling her pocket vibrate, she reached into her jacket, hoping that it was the 12th and dispatch had called to tell her she was being given a new case. Kate looked down at the display and saw Josh's number pop up.

"Hey." She answered.

"Hello, I am just about to head into surgery but I wanted to know, if I get done early, want to have lunch around 1:00?

"I would love too, that's one thing I can look forward to today." She said the last part with an edge that Josh immediately picked up on.

"You still haven't called him?"

"No, I meant to last night, but never got around to it."

"You have been avoiding it for a week now. Call him when you hang up. It will make you feel better about going in today." Josh said in all seriousness. Kate could tell from his voice that he was worried. She had been agitated the past week without Castle around to tease and annoy her. Unfortunately she was bringing it home with her in the evenings. She knew that Josh liked to unwind at the end of a long shift, but could not if she was anxious. Coming off surgery for their lunch, she knew he would want a relaxing meal, and if she was still worrying about the situation at work she would not be able to just sit, eat, and talk without her mind drifting back to work.

"I will. I'll see you at lunch around one, just come on up to the Bullpen."

"Sounds good, Bye." As she ended the call, she looked out and deciding to take Josh's advice. Realizing right before she called Castle that it was still only around 6:30 am, she decided to send him a voicemail instead.

"Hey, before we can close the Ahlabi case I need you to come down to the 12th to write and sign a witness statement. I will be in today after 9." Kate knew that a message was not the best way to contact him, but she also did not want to say what she had to say over the phone. She wanted one last opportunity to look him in the eyes, before he said goodbye and walked out forever.

Getting up, off the bench, she stretched. As she reached down to touch her toes and stand back up she felt better. Kate had been carrying around the weight of his absence like an anvil on her back. It had made her restless, tired, and upset, but now that she had finally reached out, in her own way, she felt that load get a little lighter. Turning around, she started her run home, ready to face the day, whatever it might bring.

**This was not an easy chapter, to write, I had hoped to have this up Monday, but the first part of it took two very long days to get through. Let me know what you think of it. On the bright side, I have the next chapter mostly written so this story may get updated sooner, rather than later. **


	6. Chapter 6

**I am humbled by the reviews you all are writing, and reading back over this story is like reading someone else's work. I cannot even comprehend that I am the one producing these words. I am not by any means a natural writer having suffered with crippling dyslexia the majority of my life; and reading all of the wonderful comments you have written has been fantastic.**

**Anyway, remember I own nothing, I just write to explore, hope you enjoyed it. **

**~R**

Kate heard him before she saw him. She had gone into the ladies room to before heading out for her lunch with Josh, but as she exited she could hear it; that easy laugh that she would know anywhere. She could hear the timbre of his voice and was instantly relieved. She knew that if he was laughing something good had happened, and that whatever distance had been created between them in the past week was gone. As she turned the corner she saw him, his back was facing her, but he stood the same way he always did, confident, relaxed and completely at home in the middle of the floor. He was talking to Ryan and Esposito, whatever they were talking about must have been of great amusement because all three of them could not stop laughing.

"Yo, Beckett, Look what the cat dragged in." Esposito called across the room.

"I see. Hey, Castle, you're late, or did you not get my message saying I could take your statement at 9:00 this morning?" She replied as she walked over to stand with him. Her eyes which said so much betrayed the sarcasm and edge in her voice. She was clearly happy to see him and she knew he could see it.

"Well, I never did listen." He replied, looking at her intently.

"That's too bad." Beckett replied, looking past him towards the opening elevator doors. Walking out of the doors at that moment was Josh. He was still wearing scrubs, but, he was on time for their lunch date. "I have plans so that means that you get to hang with Esposito & Ryan for the afternoon." Beckett said as she walked over to meet him. Josh kissed her cheek, and took her hand. As he did, she led him around the corner towards the conference room.

In her wake she left Ryan, Esposito, and Castle staring. Turning around Castle said the only thing that came to his mind. "So what do I need to sign to get out of here?"

* * *

><p>"Hey, looks like Castle is back, and all is right with the world again. Are you ready to go to lunch?" Josh asked, pulling her back towards the elevator.<p>

"Yeah, he just got back; he must have gotten here about 2 minutes before you did. I just walked out of the bathroom, and there he was." Kate replied.

"Ohh, okay, and now you are going to ask if you mind if we postpone our lunch. Right?"

"Yes, would that be okay?" She said as she looked up at him, hoping he would agree.

"Its fine." He replied looking down at her. "I know better than anyone that you need to talk. But, I expect you to make it up to me. Dinner? Tonight?" She expected him to be upset, but he was not, his voice was calm, and nodding her head yes, he leaned down and kissed her lightly.

Walking him back to the elevator, Kate turned, "Thank you, I will cook tonight."

Letting go of her hand to hold the door, Josh replied, "Anytime, I have another surgery to prep for this afternoon, I might have had to duck out of lunch early anyway. This saves me from leaving you all alone. I'll see you tonight."

"Sounds great, I will see you then." Kate replied as he got on the elevator. Turning around she was surprised to see Esposito and Ryan staring at her. She knew that they knew, that she had just cancelled a date with Josh, and they shared a look of surprise then understanding.

Over the past two years the duo had placed bets, made comments, and shared numerous telling glances with each other about her relationship with Castle. While Beckett had always been able to read those two and say something that would knock them back to reality, this time all she did was walk up to them and ask "Where did Castle go. He was just here?"

"When Esposito showed him the pile of paperwork he needed to read through, he said he had to get a cup of coffee before he could begin."

"Ohh. Okay, I'll take care of it." Beckett replied as she started walking over to the break room. Peeking her head in, she said. "Get me a cup too."

Castle turned around, spilling the cup he had just made. "You're still here? I thought you had plans." He was surprised she was still there, and looking in his eyes she saw them light up and he became the playful writer that she had missed over the past week.

"I did, but I really need to get these statements done. So when you have cleaned up that mess come over and we can get started." Beckett replied as she walked back to her desk, a smile spreading across her face.

* * *

><p>Two hours and dozens of signatures later they were almost finished. Kate was happy to finally be on the last page of reports. Castle was sitting next to her fiddling with the office supplies on her desk. Everything was back to normal again, except Kate knew that they were not really finished yet. As she finished reading Castle's description of what happened in the storage container for the last time, she could not help but ask. "Where have you been?"<p>

Castle looked up from his hands, which were covered in SIGN HERE, sticky notes. "What do you mean where have I been?"

"Ryan, Esposito, Montgomery, they all called you, where did you go? It's been a week. Normally you are in here every day to annoy me." She said with a touch of irritation in her tone.

"Why Detective Beckett, did you miss me?" He said with a sly grin.

"No, it's just that we had all of this work to get done, and you were not here." She replied flustered. Castle always had that ability to turn a phrase as innocent as question into something more. It unnerved her and had her thinking back on what she had said before, in the freezer.

"We needed you here; you're a member of my team." Beckett started out a little annoyed; she was still upset that he had disappeared. "I could not finish some of this without you. Remember you were there as well, you found the clues about the warehouse, you figured out where the bomb was. I needed you to be here to help me finish this."

She finished and looked at him; in that look she revealed her sincerity, her worry, and her anxiety. Beckett generally never let her guard down, and the fact that she was doing so now willingly was surprising. She had missed him, and knowing that was all the confirmation he needed that he was back where he belonged.

"It's not my fault. I went home that night and packed up to go meet Alexis and Mother out in the Hamptons. They did not want me coming back into the city without them, and I did not want to come back until they were ready to. So we made a long weekend out of it. I just decided to stay with them. Alexis was pretty shook up. She needed some Dad time, I needed some Alexis time. We only just got back this morning. I am sorry I did not come in sooner." He replied, as a smile spread on his face. "But, I did call Montgomery, Ryan and Esposito, and let them know what was going on. I told them I would be in today. I am surprised they did not tell you." He said, his eyes twinkling.

"Oh." Beckett said as she looked over her shoulder to give a death glare to Ryan who was not so subtly eavesdropping. "I guess I did not get that message."

Across the room, Ryan said, "Dude, she just found out," as, Esposito hung up the phone.

"It does not matter now, he's back." Esposito said in an undertone before raising his voice to announce. "That was DHS, they want their files YESTERDAY. Are you done?"

"Just about" Replied Castle. Looking back at Beckett, "Do I need to sign anything else?

"No, I think we are done." She replied as she stood to gather her papers. Taking a beat while she thought of how to say what she needed to say next. Turning to Castle she said "Thanks for coming back. I know last week was rough, and I would not have blamed you if you decided not to come back. I know how worried Alexis and Martha must have been, but anyway, thank you, for everything."

"Detective Beckett, I will always be here for you and your team. You only need to call." He replied as he stood up, following her as she moved over to hand her pile to Esposito. "Now, since I made you miss lunch with my late appearance, would you let me take you and the guys out?"

"I'll get my coat." Ryan answered for them all, standing up to walk over to the rack.

"Get mine too." Esposito called after him.

"Sure, Castle. Lead the way." Beckett said as she walked with him to the elevator, a smile on her face. Looking up at him she realized how happy she was to have him back, pushing back the thought that in a couple of hours she would be sitting down to dinner with Josh. Right now all she wanted to do was go have a drink and a meal with her team, she would figure the rest out some other time.

**I know there is still a lot unsaid, but don't worry it will be said over the next couple of chapters. Hope you enjoy this little bit, I know some parts may not sound like Beckett, but I tried my best. I don't know how long it will take me to get the next chapter up, we shall see. I have some thoughts for it already and it looks like it will probably catch up with what happened on the show. **

**~R**


	7. Chapter 7

**Okay, first off I have had the mother of all blocks. It has been bad, really bad; don't even know where to go from here bad. I know where I wanted to get, but not how to move from point A to B. However, this block has been fantastic for my novel, which has seen an additional 10,000 words added to it over the past week. **

**To address three things, a lot of people have commented that I have written about Josh, some of you do not like it. I get that, I really do, but this story has to include him, even if you do not like the character on screen. Let me reassure you, I am a total Beckett-Castle girl, but the J of it all is important to this story so just hang in there. **

**Now without further ado, on with the story….**

Kate got home from the precinct later that week to Josh asleep on the couch. He had had a long shift working almost 20 hours, and she did not want to wake him. Moving to order from her favorite diner around the corner she decided to let him sleep till dinner arrived. Kate curled up on the chair in her living room with a copy of the new Alan Bradley mystery _A Red Herring without Mustard_ she settled in and was completely absorbed in the story, not waking up till the doorbell rang. As she went to pay the delivery guy, Josh woke up and came to take the food and setup the table.

"When did you get home?" He asked, while yawning.

"About a half hour ago, I saw you were asleep and did not want to wake you, so I ordered in."

"Well it looks great. Listen are you working this weekend?"

"I am off on Saturday, but on call on Sunday." She replied as she took her seat at the table and began picking through takeout containers.

"Oh, okay."

"Why?"

"I have to go down to Hopkins on Thursday. They are having a symposium on field surgery. I was wondering if you wanted to come down with me, you know make a long weekend of it. But since you have to work Sunday, I can come back straight after the seminar ends Friday afternoon."

"What did you have planned?"

"I don't know, explore Baltimore, visit the aquarium, have some crab cakes, maybe even drive down to DC; look at the monuments. You know, get out of the city. I don't know about you but it has snowed a lot this year, and Maryland has hardly had any, we could get away from it for a while."

"Ahh, well then I guess it's your lucky day. I do have off Friday. I can come down Friday morning and meet you after your class is over." She said with a smile.

"Really?" He looked up from his plate, his eyes sparkling.

Leaning across the table she gave him light kiss before replying "Really, really, I need to get out of the city for a bit as well. I have been feeling a little claustrophobic over the past couple of weeks. A change of scenery would be great."

* * *

><p>On Friday morning Kate was on the train by 9:00am. Dressed in jeans and boots she was ready to explore Baltimore. Arriving in Penn Station she hailed a cab and directed him to the inner harbor. It was her favorite place to visit in Baltimore. Josh would not be available till the afternoon, so she planned spend her day here while waiting for him. Her first and only planned visit was to the National Aquarium. She had wanted at some point to get lunch, but instead she spent the day walking around through the tanks. Kate had always been calmed by the ocean, the quite movement of water and hypnotic motion of the fish helped her relax and enjoy her surroundings. For the first time in a month she felt her stress disappear. When she finally did look at her watch it was late afternoon, she would grab something to eat outside the hospital before she went to meet Josh at his conference.<p>

Josh had told her to meet her at the Hospital so they could drive straight to their hotel in DC. While Kate was waiting she took the time to look over the schedule for the symposium. There were several other events that were happening, including a cocktail reception followed by a charity auction for Doctors without Borders this evening. Kate was struck by the realization that he was going to skip the rest of it to spend the time with her. Turning back towards the conference room that had emptied out earlier, she saw Josh emerge with another doctor. She was pretty; Kate could see that from across the floor. She was not very tall, but she had beautiful red hair and delicate features. While she was talking to Josh, her hands moved as if she was demonstrating a complicated procedure, Kate could see the how passionate she was about her work. Kate did not want to interrupt their conversation, but as they turned around she caught Josh's eye and he steered the petite red head over towards where she was standing.

"Kate, I would like you to meet Dr. Lorelai Kelley. She is the one who stepped in for me when I was supposed to go to Haiti."

"Hello, nice to meet you. Thank you for taking his place."

"Oh, no problem, Josh did me the favor. I needed a break, and when Josh said I could take his spot I jumped at the chance."

"From what I have seen, it's not easy to pass up the opportunity to travel around the world saving lives."

"I don't know about that, this was my first trip. But it was so rewarding, I would definitely like to go again."

"Well, I am sure you will get the chance, and sooner than you think."Josh replied. "I was asked to go back the other day, but I think I want to stay close to home for a while." He said smiling down at Kate.

"When would the trip leave? If I can manage to shift some things around here, I will certainly take your spot."

"In two weeks, I can e-mail you the itinerary on Monday when I get back to work."

"Sounds good. Well, have a great time in DC, and be sure to visit walk the tidal basin, the Cherry Blossoms are in bloom right now."Lorelai said.

"Thanks, we will, have a good evening." Josh replied as he took Kate's hand. Squeezing it gently, he steered her towards the elevator bay at the end of the corridor.

"Sorry about being late, I was packing up and the program director came over and introduced her. I felt obligated to talk with her about her trip."

"No, it's all right." She paused, "Why didn't you tell me there was a benefit tonight?"

"Because, I wanted to spend the weekend with you, and since you could only be here on Friday and Saturday, I thought it was more important that we spend the time together, than eat bad food, in a hall with a bunch of other doctors talking shop."

"That's sweet, but are you sure you don't want to go? I mean we could stop by for an hour, then head down to DC. It's only a 40 min drive."

"No. I planned this weekend with you, just let me run back to the hotel and get my stuff from the room. Traffic around here is a nightmare, and I don't want to be stuck in it."

As they walked through the lobby of the hotel, Kate saw some of the same people she had seen walking around the hospital. Looking across the lobby, she saw that the reception was being held in the hotel bar. As Josh led her into the elevator, she said "I think we should stay."

"What?"

"I think we should stay, go to the reception. This is important for you, for your career. You all do a lot of good and should take the time to celebrate with your team. I do the same with mine." She said as she stepped out of the elevator and onto his floor.

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I am. Just let me into your room so I can change into something more appropriate. I don't think my jeans would be right for the crowd downstairs."

"You, know normally you would be fine. Half of those guys run around in cutoff shorts and mottled t-shirts in the middle of the jungles of Africa. But every once in a while when we need to raise some money we are forced to dress up."

"I know; I have seen your pictures. You look like a bunch of guerilla fighters with surgical masks. Just give me 10 minutes. I brought something for our dinner this evening that will work."

"I am going to finish packing up and take our bags down to the car, so we can leave right after."

"Okay." Kate called from the bathroom.

Twenty minutes later, she emerged her, hair was arranged in a neat twist at the base of her neck, and she was wearing the stunning blue dress that she had purchased for the release party for Heat Wave a year ago. "Wow, you look beautiful." Josh replied as he held the door to the room open for her.

"Thank you, I don't often get the opportunity to dress up. But I brought this along for our dinner tonight, and it was the only thing I had with me."

"It's perfect. You look perfect."He said as he leaned over to give her a kiss. "Are you sure you want to go down, because we can still head down to DC, maybe even make our reservations?"

"I'm sure we can get something after your reception." Kate said as they exited the elevator. "Now, let's go, I know you want to spend some time with your friends."

* * *

><p>Walking into the bar with Kate immediately she saw some of the people Josh had pointed out to her in pictures from his recent trip to Africa. As they approached the group, one of the men pulled josh in a gigantic hug and Kate knew she had made the right decision in pushing him to attend. After observing their greeting from a safe distance Josh brought his colleagues over and introduced her, then quickly settled into rapid discussion about an upcoming return trip to the Congo. Kate took the opportunity to walk over to the bar and order a drink.<p>

"That is an amazing dress." A voice from behind commented. "I wish I had the legs to wear something like that."

Kate replied, "All it takes is a nice pair of heels." As she turned around and she was surprised to see that the voice belonged to Dr. Kelley, and that Lorelai was suddenly a half a foot taller. "But I see you are already know that, those are some fantastic shoes. I thought I wore high heels, but those are amazing. "

Lorelai looked down at her heels, "Yes, when you are petite like I am you need all the help you can get." Lorelai was wearing a pair of beautiful pewter platform pumps that worked perfectly with the aqua blue dress she was wearing. On her hand was an aquamarine ring and wedding band that she had not been wearing earlier.

"Well you look stunning." Kate replied, as she tipped the bartender and picked up her drink, moving out of the way so Lorelai could order.

"Thank you" She replied. "I thought you and Josh were heading down to DC?"

"We were, but I think he needed this, so I convinced him to stay. What about you, where is your husband?" Kate said while nodding at the ring on her finger. Immediately looking she saw Lorelei stiffen, her entire body went rigid, and Kate knew she hit a sore subject. "I'm sorry, did I hit a nerve?"

"Not really, I always forget that not everyone knows." Lorelai replied, "My husband was killed a few months ago." She turned and saw the surprise in Kate's eyes. Looking down at her hands she continued "He was a teacher; killed walking to the bus by one of his students. I just can't seem to take this off."

Kate was uncomfortable. She dealt with death every day, but rarely was she around someone as unguarded as Lorelai. Despite her reservations, she looked at the woman in front of her and saw the same sadness she had felt at the loss of her mother.

"Anyway, enough of the depressing stuff. What do you do? Are you a doctor like Josh?"

Kate was surprised at the question and unsure how to answer. As always she decided the truth was best. "I am a homicide detective with the NYPD."

"Really? I would not have expected that, lawyer, doctor, not detective. What drove you to that?"

Kate considered answering with her usual line about being passionate about catching criminals and serving justice. Lorelai was so open, and she felt like she could talk to her without judgment "My mother was killed when I was in college; I needed closure, so I became a cop."

"Ahh, I understand, working for justice in an unjust world. Sounds familiar."

"Ohh?"

"Yes, that's why I joined the program. After my husband, Tom, died, I needed to get away to feel like I was doing something that mattered. He was such a good teacher. He worked in one of the roughest schools in Baltimore, Tom's parents were wealthy and he wanted to give back. He never needed to work so he just went and became a teacher, just because he could. After he passed, I decided to follow his lead. Plus it got me out of this city, too many memories."

"I understand." Kate was ready to turn the subject back to something light. "So, how long do these functions last?"

"A couple of hours, I am guessing." Lorelai looked across the room towards Josh and his buddies. "The way those guys are going at it, we could be here at the bar all night."

"Yes, it does appear to be quite the boys club."

"Medicine, especially surgery and field medicine, has always been a boys club. I don't think that's going to change any time soon. But, you should know how to deal with that. I am sure given what you do you're surrounded by men all the time?"

"Don't remind me."

"It does get a bit tiresome after a while…" Lorelai replied. Kate turned and instantly saw someone she connected with; Lorelai knew how hard it was to be a woman in a man's world.

Sitting at the bar, the two talked for the remainder of the evening. Kate realized while talking to her new friend that it had been a while since she was in the company of another woman. Lanie had been so absorbed in her new relationship with Esposito she had not been around much, not that Kate minded but occasionally she needed that female company. Plus it was nice to talk with someone outside of the precinct who understood the demands and pressures of working with a team, without the invasive questions about her relationship with Castle. The best part about talking with Lorelai, was that she was completely unaware about her status as the inspiration for Nikki Heat, Kate could just relax and enjoy the evening as one woman with a tough job talking to another.

Around eight, Josh made his way over to interrupt the women so he could take Kate to dinner. They had missed their reservation in DC, but the smile on Josh's face was worth it. The time that he had taken to catch up with his friends put a spark in his eyes that had not been there since he had left for Africa. Turning to Lorelai, Kate pulled a card out of her clutch and handed it over, while accepting Lorelai's.

"Call me anytime." She said, "This was fun, next time I am in Manhattan I am calling you for drinks."

"Sounds great, I will do the same." Kate said as Josh took her hand to lead her out of the bar.

"Well it looks like you had a nice evening as well." He said.

"Yes, she is great, you should see if she can get the next couple of assignments abroad. I think she needs them" Kate replied.

"I will. Thank you, for making me come to this." He said as he kissed her forehead while walking her to the car. "I really needed the time to see the guys. It has not been that long, but I missed them."

"I know. Now, let's get going. I am hungry."

"Me too."

* * *

><p>The next morning they both woke early, wanting to see as much of the city as possible before they needed to drive back to catch their train. Walking around the monuments in March was wonderful, she had brought her camera and every picture she took was amazing. They were lucky enough to have come during perfect weather at the peak of the Cherry Blossom festival. The tidal basin was colored pink with all of the blooms. As they walked hand in hand together through the trees Josh looked down at Kate and saw sadness in her eyes. Drawing her to one of the benches that looked out over the Potomac River, he asked "What's wrong?"<p>

"My mother loved the cherry blossoms. She said they were the heralders of spring. You know she went to school here in DC, Georgetown." Kate replied, she was surprised she had shared so much. Josh did not know the details of what happened to her mother, only that she had passed. Continuing she said "Every year, when I was young she used to take me to the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens to see the Cherry Blossoms. I love the smell of the trees, they remind me of her. She always smelled like Cherry Blossoms." She finished as a tear slid down her cheek.

"What happened to her, you never have told me." Josh said, softly.

"She was killed; she was working on a case and was killed because she dug to deep." She replied quietly. She really did not want to talk about it, and turned her head away to look out at the trees over the river. "They never found her killer."

"Is that why you became a detective?"

"Yes."

"Have you found what you were looking for?"

"No." She replied. "Listen can we talk about something else?"

"Of course, just know that I am here if you want to talk."

"I know." She said softly. For some reason she could not talk to Josh about this. As comfortable as she was with him, as much as she loved him her Mom was too close, to private. "How about we go get a late lunch then pack up? We need to return the car before we get on the train." She said changing the subject.

"That sounds good to me. Did you get enough pictures today?"

"Yes, I think I did." Kate replied automatically still lost in thought.

Twice in the past two days she had revealed more about her mother than she had in years. She was surprised, normally she was very private, but for some reason this weekend she was an open book. It made her uncomfortable. As she pushed that thought out of her mind, she resolved to enjoy the rest of the day with Josh comforted by the knowledge that she would be returning to work tomorrow and would be able to focus on something other than her mother.

**Okay so I know this was unexpected. A new character, what do you think? I have always personally been upset that Kate's only friend was Lanie, I thought she needed someone who lived with as much stress as she did, but was not part of her "family" who had no connection to the precinct. Lanie is so invested in wanting her and Castle to get together, I imagine that it must get tiresome at times to talk to her when Kate is not ready to confront her own feelings. **

**Anyway, let me know what you think. Next chapter I PROMISE, we will return to the show…**

**~R**


	8. Chapter 8

**The last chapter was took us away from the show, it will all come together now. **

**Enjoy….**

The phone rang; she glanced down at it. It was Josh, the picture from their trip to DC popped up on her screen. Beckett reached to grab it but she really did not want to answer it, she had just received the one of most thoughtful gift she had ever received, and she did not want this moment to end. Unfortunately, Castle and her ringing phone had other ideas.

"I'll leave you to it." He replied as he stood up and walked away.

Turning around she said "Hey Castle, thank you for the photo."

"I'll see you" He finished while walking out.

"Hey," she said answering Josh's call.

"Are we still on for tonight?"

"Of course, I just closed my case."

"Excellent, see you at the restaurant?"

"See you there." Kate replied before ending the call.

She looked down at the picture on her desk, reverently brushing her fingertips over the signed names of each cast member. Castle always figured out what got her. This picture was just another example of how well he knew her. After her weekend away with Josh she had not been prepared to share any more about her mother. But, when she opened that folder and saw that picture the memories came rushing back, and she never could hide from his intense gaze.

Somehow he always managed to get her to open up and then instantly put her at ease. She never liked discussing her mother; even now she still had not openly talked with Josh about her. They only had that one conversation under the cherry blossoms, but with Castle everything was different. Thinking back, perhaps it was because he was the only one who shared her pain, who knew intimately how much not having answers hurt. He was the only person she was willing to trust with her insecurities and fears, because he was the one who wanted to help her find the answers she was looking for.

Pushing that from her mind she gathered her coat, bag and of course the signed picture. She turned off her computer, leaving the paperwork for tomorrow, and headed out to meet Josh. They were not going anywhere special just a little Italian restaurant in the west village, but she was happy. Her weekend in DC had been enjoyable and going with him had been a great decision. As much as she enjoyed her time with Josh, she had also enjoyed meeting Lorelai, they had sent several e-mails back and forth since Friday and planned to have dinner when she traveled to New York for her flight from JFK next week. Exiting the precinct she decided to walk to the restaurant, it not that far and the city was finally warming up.

Josh was waiting for her when she arrived. As she walked through the small café, he stood up to take her coat, and pull out her chair. He was always a gentleman. She appreciated the little gestures he made, thinking back that was why she agreed to go out with him in the first place.

* * *

><p><em>She had been riding her motorcycle up through upstate New York and after stopping at a rest stop for lunch she exited to find a downpour. Kate always hated riding in the rain, but she knew it was her own fault for not looking at the forecast. As she walked back inside the diner she decided she would wait out the shower. Just as she sat to order another coffee Josh walked up to her. <em>

"_I saw; you rode in on the Harley out there."_

"_Yes, I did." She said quietly, not really interested._

"_Well, here," he said as he put down a pair of gloves on the table. "I could not help but notice you did not bring any riding gloves with you, you can take mine."_

"_Thank you, but I think I am just going to wait out the rain." Kate said smiling._

"_You will be waiting for a couple of days then; this storm is supposed to last through Tuesday." It was Friday afternoon. "Go ahead, I don't need them."_

"_Are you sure, I don't want to take your gloves and leave you without anything?" _

"_I have a spare in my seat. I always carry a spare, you should as well." He said as he sat down across from her._

"_Normally I do, but I just got my bike out of the shop. It was such a beautiful day, I just wanted to ride, I didn't even think about putting everything back where it belonged." _

"_I know I was thinking the same thing. That's how I ended up here." He said looking at her, "Looks like the trip was worth it."_

_Kate smiled, she did not get flustered easily, but Josh was so handsome, and he had just given her his gloves. "Let me buy you a cup of coffee, before I get back on the road." She said. _

"_No, I have had enough coffee today, I am going to get on the road you should too. The storms supposed to get worse in a couple of hours." He replied, "Where are you headed, perhaps we could ride together? In this type of weather its best to have someone to watch your back."_

"_I am going back to Manhattan."_

"_Me too, let me grab my helmet, and we can get going." He said as he stood up. He did not even leave her room to reply or accept. As he walked back he said "Come on, it's safer this way." He picked up her coat off the seat and held it open her for her to get into. _

_Kate moved to get up, after leaving some money on the table for the waitress. Pulling her coat and his gloves on, she followed him out the door. It took them three hours to get back to the city in the rain, but it was worth it, she was happy to be safe at home. As she turned to head downtown he nodded goodbye, and made his way over to the east side. When she got home she took off his gloves and stuffed them into her jacket as she covered her bike. It was not till she wore that jacket three days later that she found it, he had slipped his card into the inside pocket. When she called to thank him for the gloves and ask about returning them he asked her out._

* * *

><p>Remembering how they met, she thought about how confident he had been, how he had not put any pressure on her beyond wanting to see her get home safely. He had forced her to make the first move to call him. It had worked. And here they were now, eating dinner in one of her favorite restaurants. Looking across at him she realized how lucky she was, at the same time she also realized that something was missing. She loved that he was a gentleman, she loved that he treated her with respect. As important as all of that was, she did not feel she could be open with him, he was so serious, so concerned, so thoughtful. But, there was not a lot of air around him, as she listened to him discuss his most recent surgery she heard only the intensity and the passion in his voice.<p>

Kate knew that he cared deeply for his patients, colleagues and friends, but after this weekend, she wondered if she would ever see the carefree and jocular man she saw with his friends at the reception.

"Perhaps we should sleep on it."

"Kate?"

"Katherine?"

"Katherine Beckett? Where is your mind?" At that moment something he said shook her out of her thoughts, and she looked up at him. Josh had accidentally said almost exactly the same thing Castle had said not two days earlier, but instead of looking up to playful eyes, she looked into Josh's worried gaze.

"Sorry my mind drifted." Suddenly she was comparing Josh's innocent words to Castle's witty innuendo. Thinking back to the other day she blushed.

"I can see that, are you okay?"

"Yes, I am fine, just thinking about the case I closed today." She replied talking into her food. She did not want him to see the color rising in her cheeks till it went down.

"Ohh, okay, well what do you think?"

"About what" She said looking up at him.

"About coming to my parent's house for dinner on Sunday? I said you could invite your dad, let us all get to know each other at once."

"I can't I am on call again, I am not supposed to leave the island." Kate replied, she really was not ready for this. Yes, she was the one who had pushed for a more serious commitment, but she knew she was not ready to introduce Josh to her father. That was a big step, really big considering he did not really know the details of what happened to her mother, and she was nowhere near ready to tell him.

"Okay, another time then."

"Yes." She replied happy that the topic had been dropped. "By the way I got an e-mail from Lorelai she said you referred her to the Congo trip, she is going to depart next weekend out of JFK."

"I did, you're right, she does need to get away from it all, and she is a good doctor they can use her over there."

"Do you miss it?"

"Miss what?"

"Traveling the world, healing people?"

"I would be lying if I said no, but I am happy to be here with you. When you said that you wanted someone who was here, I knew I had a choice. I could stay or go; it's a lot easier to stay when a beautiful woman asks you to. The choice was simple." Josh replied as he looked into her eyes.

Kate was touched by the sincerity of his words. She continued looking at him for several minutes, while the waiter cleared the table. Josh paid the check and as they got up to leave she kissed him on the cheek and let him lead her out of the restaurant.

Later that evening, after Josh had left for his shift, Kate pulled the autographed picture out of her bag. Looking at all of the signatures she went to her bedroom and pulled down an old frame. Placing the Temptation Lane photograph inside she put it on the shelf next to her signed copies of _Naked Heat_ and _Heat Wave_. Looking at the picture she smiled as she saw the name Martha Rodgers, Castle's mom. She had signed it below the cast names; after all she had been part of the show history as well.

Thinking back over her conversation with Josh, she really thought about why she did not want to meet his parents. She had met her friends and boyfriends parents before, that was nothing new. She knew Martha, Castle's mother, and Lanie's mom, and Ryan's mom, and ALL of Esposito's extended family, including his great Aunt Lina. Kate knew she should want to meet Josh's parents, but for some reason all she could think of were the questions they were going to ask about her family, where she grew up, what her father was like, what her mother was like. She had yet to tell Josh her father was an alcoholic, let alone the full details of her mother's death, or that she was still actively searching for the man who was responsible.

Sitting in the dark on her couch staring at the photograph she thought of the one man who knew all of this; the whole truth of her past and though she was not prepared to admit it, she knew that the reason she was not ready to meet Josh's parents, was because she was not ready to give herself over to him in that way. It was too intimate. She was not willing to do that again, to risk opening herself and her history up to him in that way. Tonight he admitted that the reason he returned was because she asked him to, but he still wanted to be out, to be helping people in far off places. Kate was still afraid that he would leave again, that some opportunity would come and take him away, off around the globe and she would be left alone after his departure. In the dark, by herself, without the pressure of the world closing in on her, she could admit that Josh was not the one who had told her he would always be there.

**I know two in one night... Many of you were upset by the last chapter, so hopefully the conclusion of this one puts your mind at ease a bit. **

**As always let me know what you think. **

**~R**


	9. Chapter 9

Solving a case usually gave Kate a burst of energy; this one however did not give her that same feeling. As she watched Captain Montgomery leave the bullpen that evening she understood the weight on his shoulders and the implications a scandal at the DA's office put all of the cases they have closed during his tenure. Tonight she wanted a release; she wanted to forget the day, put off the trials of tomorrow. Josh was on shift again, but because it was early, because she was tired of coming home to an empty apartment, because of a million other little reasons she could not name, she decided that today she would not go immediately home.

After putting her folders down on her desk and releasing the frustration of the day, Castle came beside her "So, plans with Josh tonight?"

"No, he's on shift. I'm thinking of sneaking off to the Angelika, Forbidden Planet's playing,"

"Forbidden Planet, is uh, that the one with the robot?"

Startled by Castles look of confusion she replied "You've never seen forbidden planet?" of course he answered with a shrug.

"More of a Star Wars-Matrix guy myself." Kate was surprised; she had always assumed he was the pop-culture, sci-fi, meta-loving, all around film junkie. She could not believe this man had never seen the movie that reigned as one the genre's best for more than a decade.

"Oh my gosh Castle, this is the movie that inspired those two. That's it. I'm taking you, my treat."

"Ohh, no, no I have plans."

"Nope, not anymore." As Kate led the way out of the bullpen she missed the devious smile that lit up Castles face.

* * *

><p>As much as she loved the move, her mind was not focused on the screen. She had seen this film many times before with her grandfather. He was a fan of anything that could be considered spectacular, and nothing was more amazing than a man, his daughter, and a robot living alone in outer space. Because she knew the plot, Kate was more focused on watching the delight cross the face of the man sitting next to her. In time she allowed her mind to drift. Right now she was seated next to someone she had spent the past 12 hours with, the fact that they had grown close enough over the year to share these little moments at the end of a very stressful day was a testament to how strong their partnership had become. Unlike two years ago, she was not worried, she was not infuriated, she was not frustrated sitting in his company. Kate was ebullient, she had a companion this evening and that was a welcome change. Again she found herself comparing Castle to Josh.<p>

Over past week she had seen Josh only once outside of the brief moments between when he ran off to save a life or she was called to investigate a death. She always assumed if he was at least back on the continent and in the same city they could have the opportunity to build a relationship. Lately she was beginning to think they had more contact while he was abroad; at least then she could count on regular phone calls and emails. Now they had settled into a routine where the only contact they could count on was the "good mornings" "good nights" and "I'm sorry's" before they were summoned to work. Together they tried to set aside one day a week to have a meal, but even those occasions were becoming more infrequent. Kate understood the demands and stresses of their respective jobs, and could only nod in acceptance as one or both of them was called away from the table. They were two people living with the ghosts of each other.

Kate compared Josh's present absence, to Castles constant presence. He always answered when she called. He was always there at the start of the day to greet her, he took care of her, taking her to lunch, protecting her from danger, sharing facts about his life, his family, his world. Castle brought her inside his world, and had ingrained himself into her world. He stood next to her, a witness to the life she was leading and the work they were doing together.

Setting her thoughts aside she turned her attention back to the screen and became engrossed in the story of Robby the Robot, Commander Adams, Dr. Mobius and his daughter Altaira. As the memories of seeing this film with her grandfather swept over her, she failed to notice Castles surreptitious glances as he watched her relive the happy times from her childhood his own eyes softening as the light from the screen danced across her face.

* * *

><p>"So, what did you think? Amazing right? I told you this was the start of everything." Kate asked as they sat down at their regular table at Remy's.<p>

"It was amazing." Castle replied, as he motioned to the waitress to bring their usual order. "I can see how looking back you would think this was the beginning."

"You don't?"

"No, the beginning was a couple of years before;" Kate looked at him; he was looking back at her with a level of intensity that she did not fully understand, they were only talking about a movie. As Castle spoke his tone changed, and she did not know where he was going. "What I mean is that it all started when Asimov began writing. Where he found the inspiration, we may never know, but everything started when he began writing. He changed science fiction with _Foundation_ and _The Caves of Steel_, Forbidden Planet was just the film that opened our eyes to that possibilities present in that type of storytelling."

"You seem to know a lot about 1950's science fiction." Kate said as she eyed him suspiciously. The last statement he made was entirely too insightful for someone who had only seen the film for the first time that evening. "Particularly about the genesis and legacy of a film you have never seen before tonight."

"What can I say, I am a writer. It's my job to look for the nuances in a story, to pick up on the subtle connections between what came before and what has yet to come." He replied with a twinkle in his blue eyes. The waitress brought over their order, and as Kate picked up a fry, Castle continued, "And besides Forbidden Planet was written almost three years after _Foundation_. It could not help but be influenced by it."

With that Kate saw the truth, "You've seen it before." She said as she threw her fry at him.

"Yes, but how could I pass up the opportunity to let you drag me to the movies." He replied with a smile, "I have been begging Alexis to go with me all week, but she was too busy. When you said you were going, I know I had to tag along, and you would never willingly ask me to join you if you knew I had seen it."

Thrown off by his honesty, Kate thought about if she would have invited him if he had already seen it. She could admit that he was probably right; she never would have considered brining him if he had already seen it. But, it explained how his plans suddenly disappeared when she refused to take no for an answer. "Okay, so now that I know that this is not your first time seeing it, what do you think?"

"I think it's interesting that you like this story so much." He replied.

"Why?"

"Because it parallels your life."

"What are you talking about Castle?"

"You, your life, your relationship with your father, for so long you lived alone, haunted by your mother death just like Altaria and Dr. Mobius. You were swept up in this all consuming passion to find answers. You became an island while your father drank. His alcoholism was the monster of his mind, while you retreated into your own little ordered world. Their story is your story."

As Kate sat there listening to Castle, she was surprised to reflect on the movie and see the same similarities. For a long time she had been alone, adrift, looking for someone to help make sense of the relationships she saw forming and breaking around her. She was Altaria, a lost girl who had no mother to guide her. Sitting across from him, listening to his analysis of the film gave her a lot to think about.

"So if I am Altaria, who are you in this story?" Kate asked after several minutes passed of eating in silence. "I know, your Robby the Robot, you follow Altaria around and do nothing but annoy her constantly, with his dry wit." She finished with a smile, enjoying the look of horror cross his face at being compared to the acerbic metal creation.

"I'm funnier than Robby the Robot, and much more handsome." He replied, feigning wounded pride, as he stole the last fry.

"Well, in any case I am glad you enjoyed the movie. Thank you for coming with me, but because you tricked your way into this outing, you get to pay for dinner." She finished with a smile.

"Of course, it's the least I can do." He replied as he stood and withdrew some money to leave on the table.

"Well Castle tonight was fun, but I have an early morning tomorrow." Kate said as she walked to the door, "I'll call you if we get a body. Goodnight."

"Until tomorrow; Beckett." He replied as he exited the restaurant and they parted ways.

* * *

><p>That night as Kate climbed into her empty bed, she reflected on the comparisons Castle made to her and the film, looking critically at the story, there were similarities. For so long she had felt lost as a woman without her mother's guidance just as Altaria did. She reflected on comparing Castle to Robby the Robot, while there were similarities in their relationship, she of course also began thinking of the other characters in the film. Drifting in and out of the land of nod, her mind replayed the film, only this time Castle is Commander Adams. It was Adams who saved Altaria's life numerous times, he was the man to defend her honor, the man who made her laugh, who stood by her side, who comforted her when all she knew was destroyed, the man she in her naivety and youthful innocence professed to love.<p>

As she moved further into the dream world Kate Beckett considered for the first time that she could be in love with this man; and as her subconscious took over she gave herself up to the possibility of a future with Castle as a permanent presence, on and off the job.

* * *

><p><strong>For those of you who have made this a favorite story, I am humbled. I am delighted that so many of you reading this story have found some truth in what I have written. I am writing this story the way the characters tell me to, so far they have yet to let me take any flights of fancy that would contradict the currently storyline on the show. I say this because I know many of you are not happy with the direction of this tale and the inclusion of a certain doctor who rides a motorcycle. However, these are not my characters and unfortunately they are the ones who have ultimate say as to what happens and what does not. If you have a problem with that take it up with Marlowe…<strong>

**Secondly I am sorry this is coming so late. I have not been inspired, and without any sort of inspiration I cannot write ANYTHING. I need to have a logical story mostly in my head before I start writing and I just could not get the ideas to gel together. **

**For those of you who do not know, Forbidden Planet is loosely based on The Tempest by William Shakespeare. I think that this was an interesting choice in terms of films for Beckett and Castle to share. Having seen the move, I will admit to taking some liberties with the overall plot, but the love between Altaria & Adams was clear from the beginning. Now if you consider the Tempest, which is a story layered with subtext, Castle could indeed have been Ferdinand who is instantly captivated by Kate's Miranda, after being swept up in the storm. When you examine Forbidden Planet using that interpretation of the story, suddenly the comparisons are not that far off. **

**Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this little Chapter, sorry it took so long, but I had next to no idea how I wanted to write this. As always let me know what you think.**

**~R**


	10. Chapter 10

Spring was in the air, the trees in Washington Square Park were starting to bud and everyone started leaving their winter coats at home. Across the city people were waking up to a new day, the deep freeze that had been a permanent fixture the past four months was finally letting go, giving way to the sounds and sights of April. Throughout the village daffodils and tulips were blooming in the tree plots. The community garden on West 4th had been weeded and cleared; now it waited only for the green thumbs to turn their little bits of earth into lush gardens brimming with flowers, herbs and summer vegetables.

While most people thought the New York in the fall was the best, Kate had always preferred the spring. People in Manhattan were cold and distant in the winter, absent in the summer, and preoccupied in the fall, but in the spring everyone was content. She always thought it was because after the winter people were just so happy that the weather was changing they were more pleasant to be around. The atmosphere of the town today was jovial; the new season would bring with it street festivals, open markets, and the numerous parades and events that would enliven the city once again. Unlike years past the winter months of this year brought with them so many close calls, today she was happy to be around to experience the glories of spring. Kate felt for the first time, the sense of rebirth that spring brought with it. The shift in weather also gave Kate the courage to think about the direction of her life, spring was a time for rebirth, for growth, for change.

Today, Kate was waiting anxiously for the day to end; she wanted to be outside browsing through the Union Square market, sitting having a coffee outside Cluny, running through the park, anywhere but behind her desk. It had been several days since they closed the last case and she was anxious, working on paperwork was always a drag but lately the additional hours spent on reports afforded her more time to daydream. Her concentration was shot, every day she walked in to Castle dutifully sitting beside her desk and every night she returned to Josh. As the days grew longer and the nights grew shorter she could not help but compare the time spent with both the men and consider their place in her life.

Even though part of the day had been spent thinking about the two very different, very tall, and very committed men who made up her life, today she was excited for other reasons. Lorelai was now on her way to Manhattan, she had been able to clear her schedule and come up early before her flight departed tomorrow. Kate was excited to share the city with her, while she was still on-call tomorrow she was happy that tonight at least she would be able to spend some time with her new friend.

Finishing up the last report of the day she looked up at the clock it was one fifty; father time moved slowly, he knew she had plans and so he stretched out the day slowing the seconds to minutes and the minutes to hours. She had plans to leave to meet Lorelai at Penn Station at quarter to three, it would only take her about ten minutes to drive over there, and she could not in good conscience leave the precinct before two. Right now all she wanted was to be outside.

"You keep looking at the time." Castle said, his voice infiltrating her thoughts, forcing her to pull her gaze from the clock on the wall. "Leaving early?"

"Yes, I have something to do this afternoon." As she turned to face him she saw melancholy and worry in his eyes, though no emotion reflected on his face. He knew instantly that if she was ducking out there must be an important reason. Castle's eyes were always so expressive revealing secrets he never dared to share. As their partnership had grown over the past month so had her ability to read him, they could have whole conversations without talking. Today the conversation they shared silently was one of reassurance; she rarely left work early, even to go on dates with Josh. Before she spoke she looked at him squarely and acknowledged his anxiety responding with a smile and twinkle in her eyes. "I am going to meet my friend Lorelai; she is coming up from Baltimore on her way to JFK."

"Leaving to go meet a friend? Why Detective Beckett, I did not know you even had any outside this building." He replied playfully as she rolled her eyes. "Where are you going? You know you can always come to the Haunt."

"I don't think so. I don't want you hanging around hovering and scaring her off."

"I would never hover," he replied in mock indignation, "So what are your plans with this friend, please tell me they involve a very short dress, very tall heels and lots of alcohol."

"What if I told you my plans involve all of the above?" Beckett replied lowering her eyes and voice seductively.

Castle just looked back at her, speechless. Even now she always knew how to surprise him. After taking a brief pause he asked "You know I think I need to observe this ladies night, it will make great background for the more playful side of Nikki. Where are you ladies going? I can meet there." Castle asked while raising his eyebrow in the suggestive way that only he could accomplish.

"I don't know if you could keep up with me and Lorelai in a club." She replied, "Anyway, Lorelai does not know that I am the inspiration for Nikki Heat, and I would like to keep it that way."

"Why?" he looked back at her, hurt flashing in his eyes.

"I don't tell everyone I meet that I am Nikki Heat. I have not known her for that long, and tonight, I want to be Kate, not Nikki." She replied honestly. Kate was proud of their partnership but she still was uncomfortable with the comparisons people made between her and his fictional creation. Recognizing his subtle shift away from her "It's not that I don't enjoy the books or the character, it's just… I am not Nikki, and I don't want her to compare me to her all night long."

"You know there is no comparison." Castle turned and said with sincerity, "Nikki is imitation, you are life."

Uncomfortable, Kate faced her computer screen and started shutting down programs. Even though she recognized the undercurrent of emotion that was growing between them, she was not prepared to face it today. What he had just said was a little too intimate, a little too personal, and truth be told a little too perfect. He always knew the right thing to say to put her fears at ease, to reassure her that he was her partner for more than the hours of her shift. Eager to depart for the afternoon, she began gathering her things. As Castle noted her quick movements, and stood to follow her to the elevator. "Can you at least take pictures? Let there be some record of you letting your hair down, that can give me some inspiration."

"No." As Beckett entered the elevator she continued, "I don't know if you could handle pictures of me dancing in a short red dress and heels." This stopped Castle in his tracks, just outside the elevator, his eyes glazing over and his expression distant. As the doors began to close Kate finished, "But, if you can figure out where we are going, I guess I cannot stop you from showing up." She completed with a wink.

Castle remained on the opposite side of the doors, looking distant. He remained in that spot, imagining Kate in a short, tight red dress for several minutes till Esposito broke him from his daydream. "Dude, What are you still doing here? Beckett left ten minutes ago."

"Sorry, I got caught up." As a devious smile spread his mind went into overdrive. After their entrapment in the freezer Castle had discovered that Captain Montgomery was insistent on knowing where his team was at all times, so he authorized the installation of GPS tracking into all department phones. It was actually where he got the idea to track Alexis's phone. He knew that Beckett was on call for the next 24 hours, and if he really wanted to know where she was going he would have to convince either Esposito or Ryan to give up the code so he could find out where she was going to be. "Do you think you could do me a favor?"

* * *

><p>"You know I think I needed this." Lorelai said as they walked into Les Halles. "It has been so long since I got dressed up and did not have something to do that involved work, networking or some charity function."<p>

"Me too. I don't know the last time I took a break from work." As they walked over to a tall table Kate took the opportunity to observe the people around the restaurant. It was still early, and they wanted to have dinner before going out for the evening.

"That's surprising, I mean you have Josh. I would have thought that as soon as work was done he was taking you out every night."

"Actually, we are lucky if we get one night a week to sit down together for dinner. The cop schedule and the doctor schedule are often at odds."

"That must be hard." Lorelai questioned looking at Kate across the table.

"It is what it is." Kate replied; she was resigned to this fact. What struck most Kate was the fact that Josh was still around, he had been given so many opportunities to leave and go off to save the world and the fact that he chose to stay with her was humbling. She knew that their situation was not ideal, but then she always remembered that no situation was ideal. Looking back at Lorelai she saw something in her face that she could not recognize. As a detective she took pride in being able to read people; but Lorelai despite being so open and forthright, had the best poker face she had ever seen. "Do you know what you are hungry for, this place has delicious food. You know Anthony Bourdain occasionally takes over the kitchen."

"Everything looks delicious. I don't know what to do. I don't want to eat something too big or heavy, but this is my last day with really good food so I want something substantial."

"I know what you mean. I never get a chance to eat anything but takeout while I am I the middle of a case, so coming here is a treat. The steaks are delicious, and what I am going to get, so if I could recommend anything that would be it, and they have an excellent wine list."

"Excellent, then I will do the same." Placing her menu on the table Lorelai looked up and saw the waiter approaching with a bottle of wine and two glasses. "Did you order wine?"

"No, we just got here." Kate replied turning around

"Excuse me. This was selected for you before your arrival." The waiter informed them as he poured a glass for her inspection.

"I am going to kill him." Kate said under her breath while looking around to see if he was sitting at the bar, it was just like him to anonymously send over a very nice bottle of wine while watching from afar. Yes, she had teased Castle in the elevator, but she really did not think that he would magically appear and insert himself this early in the evening. Plus, she was curious as to how he had found out where she was going, if he had taken to following her outside the precinct that would be a problem.

Lorelai was just finishing her taste and returning her glass to the waiter while looking quizzically at Kate. "This will be fine."

"Excellent, Mr. Davidson also asked to inform you that dessert was his treat tonight as well, so when you order save some room. We have an excellent crème brulee." The waiter finished as he took their menus and wrote down their orders. Kate turned around while he was talking and though she was surprised she was also happy. A smile crossed her face as she considered Josh's thoughtfulness, she had invited him to come out with them tonight, but he had been unable to get off of his shift. Despite that he was with them in spirit and it made her happy.

"What was that about?"

"What?"

"You, you looked livid. Who did you think the wine was from?"

"No one. I was just surprised that's all."

"Ahh, so in other words, you don't want to talk about it now." Lorelai looked at her knowingly.

"That's correct. Maybe after a couple more glasses of wine." Said with a smile, Kate was relieved when Lorelai changed the subject and began talking about her upcoming trip to the Congo. Dinner was delicious and through it all the conversation continued unfiltered till Kate started talking about work.

"Who is Castle?"

"What?"

"Who is Castle, you talk about him a lot. I know you said that Ryan and Esposito were other detectives, but who is Castle?"

Kate was unsure how to answer this. She freely acknowledged that Castle was her partner, but she had not realized that she talked about him that much when she discussed her work. "He is my partner, he is a writer who has been shadowing me for the past couple of years. Surprisingly helpful in helping the department solve cases."

"Ohh, he's not Richard Castle, the author?" Lorelai said this a little too casually. In that instant Kate knew that all this time Lorelai had known that she was Nikki Heat.

"Yes."

"Which makes you Nikki Heat."

"Yes."

"Interesting."

"Why"

"I am just surprised, you never talk about it. Most people would be flattered to have a book written about them, they would be shouting from the rooftops that they were the inspiration for not one but two bestsellers."

"It's not flattering, it's creepy." Kate was getting anxious, she wished the waiter would come to take their dishes and dessert orders so she could escape Lorelai's patient and measured questions.

"Only in your eyes." Lorelai replied.

"How did you find out?"

"One of the guys in the DWB program let me in on it. After you left the party with Josh in Baltimore, one of the guys said Nikki Heat was as hot in person as in the books."

At this Kate flushed a bright shade of red. Even to this day three years later, she still was thrown when anyone compared her to her literary counterpart. "So you have known all this time?"

"Yes, but clearly it was something you do not like to talk about so I did not bring it up. But now, when you talk about work, all you ever talk about is Castle. I just find it odd that after this much time he is still following you. By now he must have enough information on you to write twenty more bestsellers." She paused looking at Kate. Kate had no idea how to respond to that. She had asked him the same question several months ago, and had received a glib response but in the time that had passed since then they had developed a strong partnership. It was not surprising that Lorelai did not understand, so few people really understood the relationship they had. Kate did not say anything she just sat back and reflected on what Lorelai had said. Here she was someone outside her little circle at the precinct, but she had just recognized that something was off, just from the way Kate talked about him over dinner.

"You're probably right, but since he became my partner we have become more productive. He's good at it, even if he can be one of the most annoying people on the planet at time." She replied with a smile. "As great as he is with the cases, really having him around makes work a little more fun, which is probably the only reason I have not kicked him out of the squad room yet."

"I can see that, the Jameson Rook character is a lot of fun, it would stand that the man who created him would be as well."

"You've read the books?" Kate heard the anger in her voice as she said that, wishing she could take it back.

"Only recently, I brought the latest one to read on the plane." Lorelai looked down sheepishly, "I also wanted to see if the books were anything like the person I met."

"And what do you think" She asked seriously but with an edge.

"I think the character is a mirage, you are so much more real and dynamic than the character. You know my husband was an English teacher; he read everything and had lots of Castle's books around the house. He LOVED mysteries, and he loved Nikki Heat. He always said that Nikki was the most realistic character Castle had written, but after meeting you, I don't think that's true. Nikki is a great character, but at the end of the day she is words on a page. I guess that's why I never really enjoy fiction. It's all fake people, I prefer biographies. I only started reading fiction after Tom died, it was a good escape."

Sensing an opening in the conversation that would steer them away from Castle, Kate asked "How did you meet your husband?"

Lorelai smiled and got a distant look on her face. For a moment Kate thought she had lost her, but then realized that she was just absorbed in an old memory. When her eyes refocused Loreali began "I met him in Korea." She said with a smile.

"My college roommate, Nara, was from Seoul. So after graduating before med-school I went to Seoul to visit her and her family. While we were there she took me all over the city and one night after dinner we ended up in this Karaoke club. Now the clubs there are nothing like they are here. In Korea all the Karaoke bars are separated into these little rooms and you rent a room for the night, and the management bring you lots of food and this truly awful liquor called Soju and you drink and eat and dance while you get up and sing, all in the privacy of your own little room with your friends. Anyway, they were smoking, and I had a lot to drink, so I left the room to get some air and get away from the noise. As I was walking out, I literally walked into Tom. He was doing the whole Teach English Abroad thing for the past two years and was out with his friends. Well he was trying to escape his friends. Anyway we sneaked out of the club and walked next door to a café. We sat down and had a cup of coffee and talked for hours. "

Looking lost Lorelai stopped. Kate recognized this; she was often caught in memories of the past. Sometimes they were overwhelming and occasionally you needed to acknowledge the moments as you relieved them. She waited patiently for Lorelai to return from her dream before speaking "So you met and fell in love in one evening 8,000 miles away from home. That's romantic, how did you know he was it?"

"Ohh, I had no idea about him at all. I met Tom in Korea, but after that night we never saw each other again during my visit. Around 4 am Nara found me and pulled me away before we could exchange information. It was a beautiful moment, that ended too soon." She replied wistfully.

Kate was confused, "So how did you get together?"

Lorelai smiled again, "Three years after we met in Korea, I was in the middle of my residency at JHU, stuck in the ER. Tom came in during my shift with a student he escorted to the hospital. I did not recognize him at all, by then he was going through the bearded devil phase and looked nothing like he did in Korea. But, he recognized me, after treating his patient, he asked me out. I was so busy and sleep deprived I don't even remember what he said. I just said no, and walked away. Three weeks later he was back in the ER with a sprained wrist, and guess who was his doctor. He asked me out again, I said no again."

"Why did you keep saying no?" Kate interrupted.

"I always say it was because we had a beautiful moment in Korea, I did not want to ruin it with reality back here. But mostly, it was because I had my medical boards coming up and he was a distraction. Even still, he came back the next week with a buddy of his with a broken nose. Then the week after with another guy with a busted leg, and the following week with a new guy and a three broken ribs. At the third week I asked him what was going on. He said he was getting into fights with his friends so he could bring them to the emergency room on the off chance that he would see me. It was so crazy, that I broke, I started laughing, I had never laughed that hard in my life. His buddy with the broken ribs said I needed to go out with him soon, because he was running out of friends."

Tom was not the type of guy I was looking for; he was everything I was not. At the time I was so serious, so consumed with becoming the best doctor with getting into the top surgical residency, with my own life that someone like him was a distraction. But in that moment he was exactly what I needed, and after seeing the pain in his friends face I realized that I needed to at least help them out. Anyway, I went out with him that week, it was horrible. Probably one of the worst first dates in existence, we were awkward, and shy and it was just awful. He called the next day for a do-over and I turned him down. Looking back, I guess he just invaded my work life, so I had to let him in. When he came into the ER, he always made me laugh; he always made my day a little better. It got so by the end of my rotation I was looking forward to seeing him every weekend so on that last weekend I said yes. Later after we had been dating a while I found out that he kept showing up with guys in the ER. Turns out that he was on a Rugby team, but his friends let me think that they were taking beatings because he was so frustrated. It was a huge joke to them."

"Sounds nice." Kate replied softly, thinking over what she had just said.

Lorelai looked at her quizzically, before starting a new line of conversation. "How is Josh?"

"Josh is good, busy as always, even with him back in the US, his life and my life rarely intersect." Kate looked at her, "What's it like?"

"What?"

"Doctors Without Borders, what's the program like?"

"It's so many things, it is beautiful, and painful, and heartbreaking, and uplifting, all at the same time." Lorelai replied. "Why?"

"I asked Josh if he missed it and he said he did, I wondered why, he does not really talk about it at all."

"That does not surprise me. It's like being in a war zone, you can't really understand till you have done it. I can see someone missing to do it, because there is this rush that you get, this high from being able to help people, to save lives in the most desolate and barren conditions. But, I would give it up in a heartbeat if Tom was around." Lorelai paused, she looked unsure as to if she wanted to continue, "And I would not miss it."

At that last statement, Lorelai stood up from the table and made her way back to the ladies room, leaving Kate with her thoughts. When she returned they finished their dessert talking about their plans for the rest of the night, all while Kate was considering what Lorelai had said throughout the evening.

* * *

><p>When they finally reached the bar at the front of the club, about an hour later, both ladies were ready for drinks and dancing. The last time Kate had been out dancing she was on a case, and out with Castle. What she found was not what she expected. When the bartender turned around he had in his hands two dirty martini's which he handed off to them, anticipating their request. Kate was a little surprised, but when she raised her eyebrow in question, he just nodded his head down the bar, to a gentleman at the end of the bar, facing away from them. Lorelai raised her drink in thanks, then noting Kate's expression questioned the drinks.<p>

"Do you know who that is?"

"No."

"This is the second time tonight, that's happened." Lorelai continued "You were surprised by the bottle of wine earlier. Who did you think sent the wine at dinner?"

Kate was still wrapped in her own thoughts of the man at the end of the bar, "Castle" She said instinctively.

"Why?"

Suddenly Kate realized what she had said, she had skirted this all evening, avoiding conversations about him. "Because it's something he would do. He is always following me; it's just like him to show up when I am out with a friend and try to squeeze his way in."

"Oh."

"That and I sort of provoked him."

"Oh?"

"I said if he could figure out where we were going he could see what Nikki Heat was like when she was out with her friends."

"I see."

"What I don't understand is how he was able to figure out where we were."

"Maybe he put a track on your phone." Lorelai said with a laugh. Kate turned to her and looked at her with such anger; she was frightened to find out if the man at the end of the bar really was Richard Castle.

"Don't joke about that, he did the same thing to his daughter not a week ago."I should have never left him alone at my desk after he told me about that, she thought.

"Well since this is supposed to be a girls night, I am going to go and tell him off." Lorelai finished as she started pushing her way through the throng. Kate followed her not four steps behind, and was pleasantly surprised when the gentleman in question turned out to be an banker who thought Lorelai looked like Gillian Anderson and wanted to send over a drink from a fan. Kate turned to look at her friend, it was true, they shared a striking resemblance.

She did not notice him standing on the second floor landing. Kate was blissfully unaware that he could see every move she was making. Castle had orchestrated the entire thing; he needed to get her in that spot next to the bar so he could see her from above. He was transfixed by the vision before him, and without thinking, he took out his phone and took a couple of pictures of her and her friend before turning away. Making his way out the door, Castle acknowledged that it was worth it, the sight of Katherine Beckett in a red dress and heels was a thing to behold. As he hailed a cab, he made a note in his phone to remind himself that he needed to buy Esposito lunch for a week, and get tickets for him and Lanie to see the opening Yankee game of the season; a small price to pay.

As she sipped her drink she stepped back to the bar, and just observed the crowd. Out of the corner of her eye she thought she saw him, sneaking out the back exit. That telltale confident gate was impossible to miss. He was dressed impeccably as always in a dark blue suit. Perhaps the alcohol was playing tricks on her; they had had several bottles of wine at dinner and were now drinking vodka. Turning back to her friend she resolved to put him out of her mind and enjoy the music and company.

* * *

><p>They left the club at three and made their way back to Kate's apartment, both very tipsy. Kate knew she would be facing a monster hangover in the morning so she grabbed a two bottles of water from the fridge before collapsing on the couch. Slowly she sipped the cool liquid while waiting for Lorelai to get out of the bathroom. When she finally emerged, to go lay down for a couple of hours, Kate handed her a bottle of water, and a couple of motrin. Tomorrow would be an early morning, they would both be lucky to get more than five hours; Lorelai had to be at JFK by 9 am for her flight. She would be tired tomorrow at work, but it had been worth it, this time to unwind was what she had needed for weeks.<p>

Entering the bathroom, she quickly hopped in the shower to rinse off the dust and grit of the club before crawling into bed. The hot water rinsed over her, and as her mind began to clear, she started thinking about this evening, and everything Loreali had told her. There was a lot to consider, from her revelations about Tom, to the truth about Doctors without Borders, to her own confessions about Castle. When she finally pulled her sheets over her head a half hour later, she had for the first time consciously acknowledged that the same persistence that she had seen in Castle a year ago had returned. Now he was following her around, invading her space while giving her space, just as he had done last may before he had ruined everything. Castle was coming back week after week with a new story, just to be around her.

**I know, I know, it has been over a week since I updated. BUT, this chapter is over 5,000 words long so, I think it was worth the wait. I also have been super busy with school, only 4 more weeks left. Plus the TO LIVE & DIE in LA episode threw me for a bit and I had to think about how to write around the events in that ep, even though this one takes place much earlier.**

**Anyway, as always I don't own the characters, just borrowing them for the evening. If you like what you read, review, if you don't let me know as well. **

**~R**


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